mercurial scribe

It’s not like my life was already a live wire, because it was. The stress of a strained marriage, Justin’s inane schedule, my 6 days a week at the Restaurant and restarting the meds was enough to put me at a 5.5 on the batshit-richter scale. However, the break-in (see my last post) and the aftermath of calls, costs and stress topped the scales and my brain went reeling into the “can be destructive in areas up to about 100 km across where people live” 6.5 arena.

Sunday found me lying in bed until 3 pm and breaking down weeping at pretty regular intervals. Agoraphobia overwhelmed me. A sudden fear that the telephone would ring and i’d have to answer it made me turn my cell phone off, throw it in the back of the closet and rocking on the floor of the hallway, trying to stop crying.

Sunday night, near closing, Justin walked me up to the Restaurant i was afraid i didn’t work at anymore. i sat down with the Floor Manager and explained i have a brain disorder, i’m ill and i’m not sure when i’ll be back. i promised a doctor’s note and to update them as soon as i know what’s going on. He was very kind and wished me well.

i knew restarting my meds would be difficult (it always is). But i’ve been mildly to moderately depressed since i restarted them. To be honest, i think that the Lexapro has pooped out. In the “Crazy Meds” community, it’s a pretty well-known fact that SSRI’s (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) will poop out on you and then you have to head to the next SSRI, rotating them like tires. Seems that that’s what i may need to get out of this damn rut.

Ultimately what frustrates me the most is that i know i’m never going to “get better”. Bipolar is something that worses with age and with time off of meds. Just as with diabetes, daily management is the key to health and happiness; relaxation, exercise, socialization and quiet time, the daily log of mood and medication. It will never end. It will never stop. i just have to keep going, keep managing, keep hoping that i will - once again - know stability.

And when i’m fighting the mean reds or bouts of depression, i think that’s the hardest thing: to keep on keeping on, but it’s all i really know to do.