mercurial scribe

The ever seemingly unreachable place of “normal”. It’s what every manic depressive wants somewhere deep inside.

i think i may have achieved that Holy Grail of bipolarness.

It’s been such a long hard road for me, which makes me hesitant to admit the goodness for fear that the minute i vocalize its actuality, it will fade into the ether or crumble like the fabled walls of Jericho. But i look around me and there it is…

Stability.

This past December, i felt yet another depression looming. The heaviness of every day life, the frustration building inside of me, the confusing emotions of anger and unutterable sadness. But this time… well, this time was different. i didn’t succumb, i didn’t hide. i told my husband right away, i missed only one shift at work before explaining i needed to go on medical leave. i said simply that i have a brain disorder and i needed to work out some new medications to stablize my condition. i went to my doctor and explained the situation. Immediately, we tweaked my medications with some higher doses and waited to see what happened. Sure enough, within a week or two of the new doses, i was wavering on normal. But i wanted to make sure. So for 6 weeks i was on medical leave, letting my body adjust and really trying to develop some kind of sanity and sense of routine in our home. When i returned to work in late January, it was nearly a seemless re-entry. All of my managers and coworkers were fantastically supportive. It felt amazing.

i’m sure there will be many more posts about how my journey with bipolar began and how i became stable, but i wanted to grant myself a small space to celebrate the beginning of my stability. i’m writing, talking with people about making music again, i’m singing and learning and reading. All the things i love are finally re-entering into my life because, finally, i’m ready for them.

For every person who struggles and fights against the madness of manic depression… know there’s hope. Sometimes it’ll be all you have, but it bears fruit - wonderful, delicious fruit.

L’chaim! (For you gentiles, it means “To Life!”)