Stuck
Sometimes I feel like life has stolen my most prized qualities - a strong-will and determination to do things of importance. I’ve never been the kind of person who simply wants to exist; the only time I have ever entered “survival-mode” is when my illness was so strong and unmedicated that my life was truly in danger. But I was in that place for so long - nearly from the onset of adulthood to a time not so distant…
A lot of these thoughts have been fueled by a friend’s recent birthday dinner at a little steakhouse in my hometown where we all celebrated her reaching 24. As we chatted and laughed, I thought about how much she has accomplished so young. At 24, LJ has earned her Bachelors in History and is currently working on her thesis in the pursuit of a Ph.D. She works as a T.A. in the History department and an aid in the Entomology Lab. She and her boyfriend of 6 years live together in a cute little house they rent from his aunt. She’s traveled both with her honey and alone, exploring every local historical site she can get to in places like Atlanta, New York, Las Vegas, Seattle, and of course, her hometown.
While I know better than to compare myself to others, it occurred to me how much like her I once was; how much I expected of myself and yet, how little I fulfilled…
At one point I was determined to be an actress and a writer. I wanted an Ivy-league education, expected myself to be married by 25 and published by 30. I also wanted to have mastered French and Spanish by 25 and two more languages by 30. I wanted to travel the world. I imagined road trips across the States with my husband, filled with random little adventures by serendipitous meetings with strangers who turned out to be somehow connected to us; a backpacking trip across Europe for a few months, brimming with museums and wine tasting and language barriers; a stay in Egypt or India; weird foods tasted; instant friends made from strangers with an unexpected common interest. I imagined rehearsals at night and weekend full of performances; slews of friends made from traveling troupes, stagehands and the Screen Actor’s Guild; the fun of hiding in the backstage darkness, costumed and made-up, mouthing everyone else’s lines while I await my cue…
I’m going to be 25 in August. I’m married, without a degree, feeling stagnant and a bit uninspired on the career front and socially quite isolated. I have all this time and so far, have done very little with it.
Sometimes I wonder if I just have come to expect too little from myself due to “my illness”. I wonder if I should expect and even demand more of myself. But I have no answers in this moment… only questions, endless questions. Questions I seem to ask things that won’t answer - the keyboard, my dog, the wall, a book… and now, a blog.
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