mercurial scribe

I’ve been spending a lot of time “resting”. That generally means avoiding positions that aggravate the pain in my leg (which has returned with a vengeance and a mean streak) and that also avoids enhancing the overwhelming nausea I’ve been dealing with for the past three weeks. In this time of “rest”, I’ve been thinking a lot about the various commitments I’ve made for this new year and thought I should probably take a moment to post them.

If you’ve been keeping track, I mark my birthday as the mark of a new year. I re-evaluate, re-center and refocus myself on the things that matter most in the hope that this new year of life can be better than the last.

In this year’s ponderings, I have made a mental list of things that will be changing and items that need attending to. So bear with me as I flesh them out…

1) This blog originally started as a place to really ponder, a kind of writer’s journal online. Things that inspired me, things that affected me went here. It was also a place to share the struggles with manic depression (bipolar for you of the 21st century) when there wasn’t really an outlet in my life to do so with people who understood. However, as the years progressed and my desire to write increased, it became a catch-all for the ideas swirling around in my head. This little blog is not big enough to hold all these ideas. So if you see a bunch of changes to the site, you will know why - I’m getting back to the heart and purpose of this particular outlet.

2) Due to the overflow of ideas in my brain, I realized that it is really time to take myself seriously as a writer. When people ask me what I do, that’s what I tell them. “I’m a writer.” For a bit, I amended the statement with “but I wait tables to pay the bills” while I grew more comfortable with the value of my chosen career. Not now. Now it is proudly, simply, “I am a writer.”

Because of this revelation, I have been preparing my life and my home for the changes that are coming. I’m learning about my craft (as told by the ever-growing stack of books on writing and the freelance path), I’m planning my developing my strategy and figuring out how to execute it. The exciting part is that the planning is all done; all that is left is to do the living out of my plan.

What’s so exciting about this for me is that it could be the artistic renaissance I’ve been longing for. I’ve been strumming my guitar more, practicing on the piano more, seeking out new and different reading material with more zeal. And writing? I’m out to claim my career - my destiny if you are a romantic - and it makes me feel very much alive.

3) I’ve come to the conclusion that I love being married. The past year and half has been extraordinarily hard on us - harder than the years of depression and near-bankruptcy ever were. But I look at my husband with fresh eyes. We’re working on forgiving each other for being finite, for tiring out, for not knowing how to face this horrible disease I have. Yet, at the end of the day, I still look into his beautiful blue eyes and know that I love him, I’ll always love him, that he is the person God intended me for and that I still want to have children with him, raise a family together.

Knowing all this, there is something to be said for growth. Justin and I are both very different from when we first dated. In fact, I honestly think we’ve grown up together. He’s gained confidence and command of himself that he definitely did not possess in his early years. I’ve grown roots, become more earthed and stable under his influence. One of the roadblocks I believe we’re struggling to maneuver around is letting each other continue to grow. That’s a hard thing when you’re married, when your life and well-being is so intimately tied in with another person. I think the reason we struggle is that for a bit, we had to grow individually - without the other person’s intimate involvement - in order to deal with my illness. Thinking we were growing apart and not individually, both of us became afraid of any changes in the other. But now thanks to many fights and lots of making up, I think we’re beginning to understand that we need to foster growth in the other. And with learning comes mistakes, awkwardness and change. As long as these things are handled with love, temperance and honesty, I think that each of us can thrive without it becoming threatening to our marriage. Revolutionary thinking for a marriage as young as ours, methinks.

4) For the first time, Justin and I are working jointly and equally towards ending our slavery to debt. I’ve finally accepted that I am a spender by nature and he is a saver by nature and that our financial life will not work until both of us are equally involved. Because let me tell you, if I left it all to him, he’d rather spend $100 a month on groceries for the two of us and save an extra $200 than let us spend a more realistic $250 a month and only save $50.

It’s all about balance, people.

That’s pretty much all I have for now, mostly because the nausea has hit again and I need to find a position that doesn’t encourage vomiting.