As for the Emotional Tsunami…
For the past four weeks or so I have been a listless lump of nauseated human lying on the couch. I can barely recall much that’s happened (other than the pee tests and doctor’s visit confirming our pee tests) as it’s all become a blur of “I don’t feel so good…” and catnapping away the pain. Though the Medi-Cal office experience does stick in my brain, mostly because of the DMV-like atmosphere but with less English and more screaming children.
With exception to this past weekend, the nausea has finally started to lift. I can eat small amounts of food until I just feel full. Like the kind of full you are at Thanksgiving when grandma offers you pie directly after your third helping full. Yet, an hour later, I’m hungry again, scrounging around the kitchen looking for a food that doesn’t repulse me simply by seeing it.
Creatively, this has all left me at a great standstill. No one’s very creative while paying homage to the porcelain throne, even this mercurial scribe… But I’ve missed the groove I was getting into. I was writing, I was starting to drum up some business. And then I felt so sick everything just got insane and on the back burner. And then, I was pregnant.
We didn’t plan this, not that we’re not happy. It’s just I’m in the middle of a worker’s comp lawsuit which involves a damaged left leg and we JUST hit a place where we’re FINALLY experiencing some financial stability. In fact, I’ve had a few mini freak-outs just thinking about how much this kid will cost. I keep gently shaking my tummy and saying, “I hope you’re coming out with a job, Little One!” Unfortunately, I’m only half kidding.
This whole set of parental concerns has thrown me off. I’m thrilled God sent us our Little One and I’m so happy to be pregnant, especially when I wasn’t sure I could even have kids. But there’s a whole new world of responsibility and uncertainty ahead and I’m just feeling…
Overwhelmed.
Welcome to motherhood, no?
September 21st, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Yup. Welcome to the club.
Rest assured no one is ever ready. I don’t think you can be. There’s a HUGE learning curve, but you’ll get over it.
As for stuff-aside from diapers and formula (if you can’t hack the BFing, which many bipolars can’t due to the fluctuations in sleep) it’s not that bad. I’d give you our crib if you weren’t on the other end of the continent.
Get lots of rest, and try not to worry. The worry doesn’t help. And pick up books by Ina May Gaskin-she’s an incredible mid wife, and her writing helped me with my first pregnancy.
September 22nd, 2007 at 1:59 am
Thank you so much for the book recommendation… I’ve been needing some direction in the preggers book department since there’s just so much out there. And as for a crib, my parents have the hook-up with my brother’s old one.
Thanks for the sweet thought though!
I’m definitely counting on the continued input and support of other bipolar moms like you who understand the weird things we have to deal with on top of the new baby awkwardness. Life ought to be quite interesting from now on…