mercurial scribe

It’s been months and months since I’ve posted anything about manic depression mostly because I’ve hit a happy place of stability over the past 11 months or so. Sure, there was that bumpy patch in the early summer, but overall I’ve been the most stable I’ve ever known myself to be. But today I felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time…

my heart thumped noisily in my chest… I felt restless… agitated… angry at nothing and everything at once…

Hello, agitated angry dysphoria. I really did not miss you.

Breakout mood swings are unfortunately to be expected with any medication, no matter how stable one is mostly because this is a brain disease. The brain does not function properly and for some reason, isn’t satisfied with the good olde hum-drum stability and will try to turn everything awry. And a bipolar while pregnant?! Puh-lease, I was soooo expecting this.

Not that it makes me feel any less pissed off at the world at large.

If I were a less controlled person, half of our china would be broken against the wall by now. There would have been screaming and general havoc. Possibly even me running away for a few days to cool down.

But that’s not who I am. When I get destructive, I turn inward - it’s only when I’m on my last legs of sanity that I take it out on the people around me. That’s how I was raised - you straighten up, smile, take care of business and deal with these things behind closed doors. The problem is behind closed doors, I was generally on my own. Tried and true, that’s the method I stick to as an adult when in serious trouble - I turn inward. Thank God He made me strong enough to deal with such a lonely coping mechanism.

So this is where I am. I’m angry and have no idea why. I want to scream and let it all out but I can’t. I’ll probably lock myself in our room, take a nice long shower and cry my eyes out. I’d go out but I don’t trust my own risk-assessment capabilities while driving at this point in the game. Best I stay in and try to relax. Maybe I’ll be able to calm down enough to lose myself in a book if things go my way. If they don’t… well… it’ll be a long night.

The whole purpose of this blog is stated quite aptly in the name: mercurial scribe. Mercurial meaning quick and changeable in temperament or volatile and scribe being a writer, particularly a professional one. This embodies two of the most important truths I’ve learned about myself.

1) I have this brain disease that makes me mercurial and steals who I am from myself. All my life I have been a person marked by strange changes in mood. My parents excused much of my behavior by attributing it to the dramatic traumas I experienced throughout my childhood. But it wasn’t until I was 11 years old that I knew - deep in my bones I knew - I WAS DIFFERENT. The feelings I felt were too big for even my years-ahead-of-herself intellect to handle. I have always known who I am - big-hearted, forthright, affectionate, stubborn, proud by nature but humbled by life, who loves to laugh and sing and celebrate and contemplate. But this disease - the bipolar - steals my laughter and my insights, dulling my brain with amplified sadness, burning my emotions into unrecognizable ash, tearing apart my insides with stress and anger and paralyzing fear.

2) I am a scribe by design. Before I am a woman or a Christian Jew or a wife or a mother, I am a scribe. I must write down what I sense and what I experience. I’ve done it since I was 7 years old. It’s all I know to do to make sense of this vast and intricate world we live in.

This site started because you start with what you know - and I know madness. As crazy as it is, I wanted even future employers to see this because I wanted to prove that I will fight this disease until the day I die and even though I may lose a few battles here and there, I win this war. My writing and life will reflect the kind observant spirit I am and not the mercurial insanity that reeks its havoc on my brain at will. I feel that my battle with this disease is a microcosm of the cosmic war of good and evil. Goodness invites order, kindness and peace; evil exudes chaos and pain. Each one of us has a battle that is a piece of that cosmic war and this one is mine.

But see, I’m a warrior. I know that in the end, I win. I want to share that hope with those who are struggling so hard that they fear they may not see the light of the next day. I’ve been there and Lord knows I’ll probably be there again. But it’s in solidarity that we humans have strength and it is strength I hope I can give where it is needed.