mercurial scribe

I’ve been having the weirdest bouts of insomnia. Even after I down my meds (a hefty sedative mix of Lexapro and Seroquel - both warning “Make cause excessive drowsiness”) - I find myself antsy and thinking and typing.

Part of it is my new career. Freelance writing is a fun but difficult job, especially when starting out. There’s so much marketing, book-keeping and administrative tasks involved in the upstart that I feel like I’m barely writing. But hey, I have the benefit of being my own boss - and putting myself on vacation like I did yesterday.

Two blessed weeks of vacation.

I’m a good boss.

Yet it’s the minute that I tell my brain to stop thinking about writing that I go into overdrive.

For example, I just started a new blog called Green Your Apartment. I’ve become so sick of hearing people who live in apartments say that it’s just not practical to be ecologically-minded when you live in a one-bedroom apartment in the city. Well, guess what y’all! If this guy could go no impact for a year then you can certainly start taking simple steps in the green direction! To be honest, it started as a book idea but I wanted to see how it would do on the web first - establishing a presence and my authority on the subject first. (Is it bad that I giggled as I typed “authority on the subject”?) This is one of three books ideas I’ve come up with in the past week, scribbling my thoughts down in my little notebook, scouring the internet for statistics and sources to get my research going.

My first suspicion with all of this inspired insomnia is to wonder if I’m manic. But I’ve been sleeping 10-11 hours a day, eating, walking, being normal. In fact, on the outside I look as calm as a Hindu cow. But inside, my brain is swelling with these ideas. I don’t feel rushed or pressured, things I normally feel while I’m hypomanic or manic. No, I think this is just the good ol’ creative rush.

I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those without being manic.

Wow.

I think I need a moment.

That thought totally caught me off-guard. I’ve actually hit stable enough to be creative without linking it to my illness. That’s a huge step for me considering this time last year I was barely able to convince myself to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking my stability for granted - quite the opposite, actually. I think it’s only now I’m really beginning to appreciate the magnitude of what the right medications, a loyal and lovable service dog, *years* of therapy and emotional rehab have done for me. And how lovely is God that He choses this time to bless us with our little Miriam! Crazy how life works.

Looking back over this year, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. My leg is healing (though ever-so-slowly) and my attorney is working to get my case settled sooner rather than later. I was given this great opportunity to change careers and go into what I’ve dreamt of doing for so long - writing. I have a Husband who is loving and supportive enough to believe in my aspirations, encouraging me to put myself out there, build myself a good career and yet still be able to stay home with our kid (something we’ve both always wanted for me to do). I’m pregnant with a child one year ago I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to have. My little home is warm and cozy, small and precisely what we need right now. My Mom is doing okay despite her worrying and fretting. I’m stable, we’re financially afloat (not great, but working on it!) and life is looking promising - truly promising - for the first time in years.

I’m happy and grateful, but so very tired. I feel like I’m bordering on burn-out. (I imagine 14 hour days in front of the computer for two months can do that to you.) And I’m in need of this vacation if only to socialize, since freelancers don’t do much of that. (Again with the 14 hour days in front of a computer in your pajamas.) It’s nice because Husband has two weeks off as well, so we’ll get to celebrate the holidays by visiting family and friends, a trips to the movies and maybe even a dinner or two out if we can afford it. What a lovely time to stop, reflect and recharge.

Thank God for vacations!