mercurial scribe

And yes, it seems like a paradox.

You see, about a three or four months ago, I finally started taking myself seriously as a writer, dedicating long hours each day to researching and honing my craft, querying publications to write for them and generally doing what writers do - writing.

But because I work from home, it’s not always seen as work by others. My Husband was one of those people from whom the phrases “She doesn’t work” or “But you’re at home all day” would slip - and whose throat I would threaten with slicing or choking.

“I DON’T WORK?!” I would loudly reply.

“Well, you know what I mean.”

“No. No, I don’t. Explain to me.”

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when Justin took it upon himself to read one of my dozens of freelance writing books that he began to appreciate the fact that yes, I do indeed work on top of caring for and running our home. In fact I am a C.E.O., a C.F.O., an accountant, a marketing exec, a receptionist, my own I.T. department as well as a writer and my office just happens to be a 5′ x 6′ corner of our bedroom. After reading said book he has now even grown an interest in freelance writing on the side, asking my advice and assistance that I give with only a hint of begrudging despite the apologies for the error of his ways.

But it’s still difficult to get others to really appreciate this. For example, my Mom will randomly say “But you can throw that in the oven for me and make the gravy since you’re home, right?” when it’s about her night to cook. I glare at her and say “Yes, Mom” only because she’s my mother. Anyone else would hear “Um, no - I’ll be working then. And it’s your night to cook, not mine to crock pot!”

The hardest thing for me currently is coming to terms with the fact that I will now also have a little one to look after during the day on top of grooming my career. While she’s little, this shouldn’t be a problem with all the sleeping and general lack of movement. (I can type with one hand!) But once Miri is of the crawling-and-talking bunch, I’m really not sure how I’m going to balance my new career and this little girl (who is sure to be demanding of my attention, if she’s anything like I was).

And there lies my conundrum. God bless my Husband for being jealous of it, but being that working from home is only a pipe dream to him right now and not his reality, I don’t know if he appreciates the enormity of my anxiety. I want to be a good Mom, I want to raise my little one and not hand her off to some stranger to raise while I work only to pay the child-care giver. But I also want a strong career with great clients, interesting projects and good pay as a freelance writer. At this point, I really don’t know how I’m going to balance those two visions. I know I’ll figure it out because I’m determined and I’m stubborn, but it doesn’t take away that feeling of uncertainty and doubt. Add that to the fact that both work-from-home workers and stay-at-home moms are at high risk for social isolation and even *gulp* depression, I need to work that much harder to keep the social calendar full as well as the workload.

Dang this working Mom stuff is exhausting - and my kid is still in utero! Heaven help me.