mercurial scribe

According to the message boards, I am a “WAHM” - work-at-home mom though it feels more like a vain attempt at working while comforting/feeding/entertaining a demanding newborn.

This is quite frustrating for me. Before the bed rest orders given in early March, my writing was starting to pick up and catch a groove. I was getting comfortable querying and feeling like I was learning a lot. But when your blood pressure hits 160/100, it’s hard to concentrate on anything. And with bed rest, the orders were no work, no exciting entertainment, no exertion. Everything was to be “bunnies and rainbows and happy stories” according to the doctor. Not exactly the stuff the writing life is made of.

So 8 weeks postpartum and here we are. I’m barely starting to catch my groove again and “barely” is due to the totally unruly life with a newborn. Miriam is now starting to actually develop a keen sense of day and night, which is immensely helpful. In fact, we have something that nearly resembles a schedule now that I think about it!

• Passes out somewhere between 10 and midnight.

• Only wakes at 1 or 2 am twice a week for a feeding which I give her.
• Wakes her Daddy up between 5 and 7 to have first breakfast and passes out.
• 9 or 10 am is second breakfast - did I fail to mention she’s a hobbit baby? About 1 of every 3 days I actually get up and start my day after she falls back asleep.
• Noon or 1 pm is lunch and when I start my day the other 2 of 3 days, after which she is pretty active and awake thus demanding of my total attention until…
• 3 or 4, which is supper. After supper she usually takes a light nap and only if she’s touching me otherwise she is fussy beyond belief.
• Which brings us to 5:30 nearly on the dot, which is the first half of her dinner. She’s active for an hour or so and then naps.
• 8 pm or thereabouts is second half of dinner usually given to her by Grammy or Daddy, depending on who is less tired and more desirous of Miri time.
• Second dinner is at about 10 pm.

After she is put to sleep, my nightly debate goes into full swing - stay up and get some writing done or get sleep? Take a look at those wake times and guess which one usually wins out. This puts me in bed between 1 and 3 am. Wash, rinse, repeat over and over again.

Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. Miri will eventually sleep longer. She will eventually have actual naps during the day, during which I can write. I will eventually make enough money to hire a “mommy’s helper” a couple afternoons a week (a babysitter that tends to her even though I’m here so I can get some writing done). I get it, I accept that it will get easier. But in the meanwhile, I’m really struggling.

I have a confession to make - I’m a control freak and thus a workaholic. I really am. I need to feel like I’m in control of my life and what I do in order to feel secure. I can go without that feeling for awhile, but after all that happened last year career-wise, the pregnancy and now life with a newborn, I’m feeling depressed and frustrated from my lack of control. I know people can feel it when I’m out with Miriam; I’m tense and in Mama Bear mode. Mix this personality trait with lack of consistent, good sleep and my bipolar brain and you have a bundle of mood-swinging, insecure frustration on your hands.

What makes the camel’s back break is that I LOVE to write and will willingly dedicate every waking hour to it for weeks until I just burn out. In fact, that’s what I was doing in my early months of pregnancy - educating myself on the business, practicing, querying the non-paying gigs to build my portfolio and get experience. But now? Well, you saw the schedule. When is there time for losing myself in the work?

I’m not sure what to do with all of this. And to be honest, looking at the disaster we call a room and the piling dishes, I’m not feeling that I’m coping very well. I feel like I’m just staying afloat. I don’t want to just survive, I wish to thrive.

I just keep reminding myself she’ll never be this little again, she’ll never need you this much again. Enjoy it while you can because it will fly by faster than imaginable. Life is not a dress rehearsal, this is it so treasure every bit you can. So I am, I really truly am. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less uncomfortable or trying or even frustrating. It just means I am more patient because I’ll never get those baby yawns and baby cries again. It means that instead of beating myself up over the 50 unattended to emails in my inbox that don’t need an immediate reply, I focus on feeding her and listening to the little coos and sighs of a satisfied baby. Instead of watching tv to get her to sleep, I sing and play with her until her eyes droop. I’m not focused on “spoiling” her with holding her too much, I cuddle with her until my arms fall asleep. I sit in front of her swing as it rocks to smile and talk to her.

After all, we only have is this moment, right? And as a mother, I’m doing the greatest and hardest job anyone can have - I’m teaching a little child how to live. I’m just learning how to live in this new role.