mercurial scribe

Yes, the “mercurial” part has struck again, as it always does.

This is not postpartum depression, people. If I hear that one more time I just may go postal. I am bipolar - this is nothing new to me. No, this is the good ol’ devil of the May blues I’m perfectly familiar with, the same bastard of rage and sadness I’ve known for years.

To commemorate our horrible time together, me and these May depressions/mixed states, I’m making a list on how not to deal with depression as I’ve done with my own special brand of raging sadness. Ahem…

1. Ritualize.

Feeling blue? Stuff your face with Oreos, never get out of your pjs and watch the Firefly marathon on SciFi. The next day, stuff your face with ice cream, still don’t shower and watch soaps all day long (SoapNet anyone?). Avoid looking in the mirror. Tell yourself not to panic when the phone rings - they don’t know you’re just avoiding them. Stare at the piling dishes and dusty shelves that you have no energy to clean and beat yourself up about it. After all, these are just such healthy things to do.

2. Insist you are fine.

I like to flatter myself and think I’ve gotten better with this one. I used to pick fights, see I did it and still insist that “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.” Now I’m better at saying “No, I’m not fine” but that’s pretty much as far as I allow the conversation to get. When my mother or Justin will ask “Is there anything I can do?”, I usually say no. I mean, what can they do other than watch the baby or take the dog out for me? I’m sure when I’m well I could think of things but not now, not when every bad emotion is amplified to a deafening, disconcerting level.

3. Isolate yourself.

Straight out hide; hell, it’s what I do. It amazes me that the family allows me to do it, quite frankly. I’ll go for days, sometimes nearly a week without so much as stepping foot outside of my apartment except to take the dog to relieve herself at the patch of grass not 10 feet from my door. Surprisingly, that really hasn’t happened since Miri was born. I’m so busy tending to her, doing laundry, taking her to the various grandparents’ and friends’ homes that it’s only mid-week that we may stay home entirely.

But I also tend to isolate myself by allowing anger to distance me in my relationships. When the dark days hit, I’m not good at expressing my emotions. I swallow them until they fill me with bitter pain to fuel those tears in private.

4. Be strong and deal with it by yourself.

This one is a favourite of mine, so much so I went British with ‘favourite’. I was raised in a household where you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and deal with it - we don’t burden others with our problems. And ever the entertainer at heart, I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. My brilliant solution? I valiantly take my dark thoughts and go cry in the shower where no one can see or hear me. I don’t tell the Husband that he needs to take the day off work to help me because I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t return phone calls until I can fake happy because they might hear it in my voice. I just smile until it hurts so bad I can’t anymore.

Well, folks, I can’t anymore. So I’m throwing it out onto the internet because I can’t vocalize these things in person. That’d just make things too easy.

So if you actually want to deal with depression in a healthy manner - get help. Don’t be afraid to say you need help whether it’s your significant other needing to take the day off to make sure you get through the day, calling a friend to bring you dinner and help you clean up or even just to sit with you. Call a professional if you can afford one and if you can’t, hit up CrazyMeds and chat on their forums (I’m mercurial scribe there too and an infrequent poster).

This post has exhausted me. It’s back to the couch with me…