A Hard Truth
Being home with my little girl has forced me to seriously think about my life. When the knowledge that every action will eventually be mimicked by a little one, it forces a serious look at lifestyle choices. Even in the midst of hours of colic, I find myself looking into her wide blue eyes and thinking to myself, “Is this the woman I want to be for you?”
We all know by now that life doesn’t turn out the way you expect it to and you don’t turn out to be the person you thought you would be. I am no different. When I graduated from high school, for example, I was engaged to my high school sweetheart, on my way to study Musical Theatre on a full scholarship and determined to leave high school behind me. Fast forward eight years and I’m married to my best friend (who also happened to be my high school sweetheart’s best friend), not yet a college graduate, and getting into a maintenance phase with a brain disease while adjusting to my new role as a mother. Totally not where I thought I would be at 25 but I’m not complaining. I love my little newly-formed family, I love where I’m headed, but I’m not sure I’ve gotten to the “I love me” part yet.
It’s time for some deep thoughts, people.
Since I gave birth to Miriam, I have struggled - seriously, deeply struggled. Trying to nurture my writing career into existence, dealing with my perennially negative mother (with whom we live), and attempting to retain some semblance of housekeeping (which I admit is more an empty gesture than an actual effort at this point in time): all of this has utterly overwhelmed me. In fact, I find that most days I don’t get out of my pajamas. Instead, I spend my time on the couch or in bed entertaining, feeding, changing and burping my little one - I also regularly moonlight as her barcalounger. It is the most demanding and exhausting position I’ve ever had. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the occasional afternoon nap when she lets me or that I hardly ever miss an episode of “The Closer”. However, guess who is up at 3 AM when the crying starts? And at 8 AM, 10 AM, noon, 3 PM, in the middle of dinner, of showering, of peeing, of shopping and driving and exercising and writing. Oh yeah, that’s me. Then, in the middle of all these maternal demands, I’m somehow supposed to be running a small start-up business which would normally demand 10-hour days. And run a household. And keep my sanity.
Did I mention we’re moving in 6 weeks? Oh yeah - that too.
Perhaps the final thing that is throwing me for a loop is my birthday - on the 20th of this month, I’ll be 26. This past year threw a bunch of unexpected events at me - a legal battle, a pregnancy and birth, financial troubles, a ridiculously long job search period for the Husband and now a move. I don’t know if I’ve handled well but hey! I’ve handled it and considering my history, that is an achievement.
So I guess the answer is to just keepin’ on keepin’ on. It’s frustrating and I’m tired. I’m doing all I can to keep my family afloat and encouraged but some days… some days I feel like crawling under the covers to stay and telling the world to shove it where the sun don’t shine. Mostly, though, I tend to go to bed promising myself “we’ll do better tomorrow”. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days, that will be true.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Most important lesson my children have taught me is that I cannot control or action everything in my life.
HARD HARD lesson. But valuable beyond measure.
You can do it.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Obviously I am not a mom so I can only relate to part of this. But I am a dad. You have a lot of stuff going on…new baby, job, keeping the house, mother
(negative to boot–wow, can she move out?), being a wife, moving. It is overwhelming. It should be overwhelming. So you feel overwhelmed. You occasionally want to tell the world to shove it. That is OK. Don’t worry about it. Seems pretty darn natural to me given all that is happening. Just a new baby alone is a massive adjustment, no matter how much you love her.
Thordora says you can do it. Sounds to me like you are doing it.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:11 am
Honey, I don’t know if you want to hear this, but you sound like a normal mother. We all go through the same thing, feeling like we should be able to do it all and not be exhausted in the end. Well, we all are! And we all feel that everybody is doing it all, why can’t I? It’s a lie! Some are better at it, but know one is doing all and living happily ever after. So relax, what is most important, Miri, will be taken care of, the rest can wait. You will never get today back, to redo, so relax and enjoy these precious moments, they’ll be gone in a flash. You don’t want regrets! Hang in there. Love you!
August 20th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Steal the thoughts right out of my head, why don’t you? Auntie Liz is right… forget getting dressed in anything not made of flannel, forget dusting the ceiling fans, forget all the things you could’ve done and should be doing , and focus on the one thing that means more than all the scholarships and showers in all the world– your kid. It’s a bitch when you’re in the middle of it, but I’ve got to believe that when babyhood is over we’ll look back and be so incredibly glad that we chose total devotion to enjoying all those moments over total devotion to a spotless house.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Never heard anyone say twenty years later that they wish the clothes were picked up and all the crumbs swept off the floor. But I have worked with dozens of dads over the years that wished they had spent more quality time with their kids. Too many times I heard the stories of their adult kids in prison or headed in that direction. Miri is number one. You will figure out the other priorities and where/when they fall into place. Miri will be number 1 til she makes you a grandma! Justin can be in a tie for number 1.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Wow, my Dad reads my blog and comments. Ta loco.