Spiraling Downward
I like to think of myself as a problem-solver, a person who takes the puzzle of a difficult situation and solves it with some creative thinking.
I can usually tell when the depression is winning because I can no longer problem-solve: I obsess and get nowhere.
The depression is winning.
Looking at my mood charts, this has been a long fought battle. I’ve hovered on the mild to moderate side of depression for months now. Without antidepressants, I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long. But now - well, now I don’t know how I am.
I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t think clearly, I can hold a train of thought long enough to really come up with solutions let alone carry them out. I feel worthless, hopeless. I’m going under and I know it but I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to stay calm, to think clearly. Instead I burst into tears every half hour and lie in bed for hours. I’m being horrible. I don’t know how to fix it.
I hate this. I hate the bipolar and the crying and the conundrums. I hate how I am. But there are no answers I can make out, no way to improve the situation.
This isn’t going well.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I can’t imagine how overwhelmed you feel right now. I’m off my meds, but I don’t have to worry about taking care of a baby. Is it possible that you should perhaps go back on them temporarily? I know how much they suck, but could it be any worse than how you’re feeling right now? Just until you’ve normalized?
My heart is hurting for you.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I’m on my stabilizer but no antidepressants. With no health insurance and our income hovering just above state assistance and just below affording my meds on our own, I’m just SOL in a catch 22. If I could be on all my meds I would be in a heartbeat. IN A HEARTBEAT.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I agree with Vanessa. Go back on your meds. You have way too much going on in your life right now to try and tough this out. I know that anytime I break into tears at the least little thing, something is askew and I need to get right. If that takes meds, so be it. Please take care of yourself.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
I don’t know what antidepressant works for you, but many are generic and reasonably cheap. Check them out. Or get your doc to give you samples.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:17 am
I checked with the nurse with whom I work, and he says that a lot of drug manufacturers actually provide assistance to people who can’t afford their medications. You can contact the manufacturer directly. Alternatively, if you don’t know who it is, let me know the name of your medication, and I would be happy to help you find someone at the company to talk to. You shouldn’t have to handle this alone.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Forest Labs is notoriously stingy with their help. I’ve checked some of those $4 generics programs at various stores and may have to make the move from Lexapro to Celexa just to get a functional antidepressant that works in my system. In the meanwhile, we’ve doubled the stabilizer (Seroquel) and I’m doing okay and can probably count me out of crisis mode. However, the catch will be 1) cinching enough dough together to pay the doc, 2) getting the prescription and 3) finding out if Celexa (can’t remember the generic name for it) will be both helpful and not painful.
I’ll do a post soon on the ways you can get help to get your meds (fifty ways to Sunday, my loves!) but my problem lies in I’m typically just above their income limit for assistance and below the income I’d need to have to afford it out of pocket. GRRR. Me and the catch 22s.
Thanks for all the love, you guys!
August 31st, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I’ve been on both Celexa and Lexapro. They’re both from the same family of medications, and Celexa basically saved my life all through high school.
As far as the doctor goes, gave you spoken with the billing department? A lot of those types of doctors provide a sliding scale to patients who have to pay out of pocket.
Good luck with all this. I’ll be thinking about you.
September 1st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I have been seriously depressed (medical) as well. When we post stuff like this on our blog, are we looking for advice or comfort? Not being alone? Are we looking for something or just telling the facts? If I give you some stupid advice will you complain and then get angry and then no longer be depressed? What’s it all about…?
September 1st, 2008 at 3:45 pm
@ mark p.s.2
Yes and yes. I’m looking for confirmation that I’m not alone, that I’m ill not crazy, and any suggestions on how to get out of such a horrible state. Some suggestions help, some suggestions don’t - but that’s just life. Mostly I’m just looking for comfort - reassurance that ‘This too shall pass’.
Interestingly enough, much of the help I’ve received regarding my illness has actually been from the ‘mentally interesting’ community online. Not from the friends and family like I thought I would (not to knock them, I love them but they just don’t know/understand this stuff). It’s from people like Jerod Poore of Crazy Meds, Tracy of Crazy Tracy, Philip Dawdy of Furious Seasons, Gabriel of Salted Lithium, Thordora of Spin Me, I Pulsate and so many others. I’ve learned how to navigate world of psych doctors and the medication-go-round and the effects on personal relationships this all has. That’s why I risk my reputation by putting it all out there and online because so many times it was the words of those aforementioned that helped me to live another day and believe that I can get through this.
Welcome to mercurial scribe, btw. I see you’ve been hitting up the MI blogsphere.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:13 am
[...] http://mercurialscribe.com/2008/08/28/spiraling-downward/#more-380 Spiraling Downward Posted on 28 August 2008 Tags: Dark Days, Touched with Fire [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 9:27 am
This post saddens me - I feel for you, I honestly do. I admire so much that you are trying to stay away from the antidepressants - they can be dangerous. Maybe this sounds stupid but have you considered something like acupuncture? It can be quite effective in helping with stress and depression. It’s something to consider maybe.
Hang in there honey.
Annie
September 10th, 2008 at 11:57 am
You know, I can respect people who practice alternative medicine. Having lived with a mental disorder for the vast majority of my life, I understand the nastiness of being on an antidepressant, especially something like celexa or lexapro, both of which I’ve taken. They deaden you. I refused to take them because although they stopped my lows, they also stopped my highs. I love my highs, my mania. But it also stopped my compulsion to self-harm. I don’t know if Mercurial is a self-harmer, and I am not insinuating she is, but I wonder how beneficial sticking dozens of sharp objects into a self-mutilator would be. Would it enhance the compulsion, or alleviate it?
Speaking of which, Mercurial, how you holdin’ up?
September 10th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
[...] last post, Spiraling Downward, was written the day my depression went from moderate to severe and thus triggered some paracusia [...]