mercurial scribe

I’ve been racking my brain (figuratively and nearly literally) on why, despite my 300 mg of Wellbutrin XL, 10 mg of Lexapro and 50 mg of Seroquel daily I’m STILL depressed.

Then came another bit of bad news: I ran out of Wellbutrin two days ago. Since I have plenty of Lexapro and Seroquel, we decided to double my daily Lexapro to 20 mg a day. And you know what? I’m starting to feel better. And it turns out that MRIs - like Wellbutrin - can poop out on you. (more…)

I know I have promised a couple posts, which are still to come, but will have to wait another *gulp* two weeks.

This week is because I’m way behind on packing (did I mention we’re moving to a neighboring city this weekend?) and I’m fighting some serious brain buzzing. What is brain buzzing, you ask? It is when a certain woman (me) goes without her medication (bad) and results in what feels like the equivalent of a head rush coupled with a double D-cell battery powered vibrator strapped to one’s head. These brain buzzes may happen for a second or longer… like today’s record breaking hour and a half.

And next week’s excuse? (more…)

It’s nearly 5 am and i haven’t slept a wink. In fact, i’m doing something i don’t often do.

i’m worrying.

Normally i’m the kind that will flout “Worry is not faith!” but my faith is being sorely tested. My employer has all but denied my Worker’s Compensation claim and they are doing all they can to make this drag on. i have had no income since 8 April and i am a majority (60% or so) of our income. As frosting on the bitter cake, i do not do well being told to sit and do nothing all day. It depresses me.

While my healing is slow but progressing, the paperwork and delays in Worker’s Comp payment has caused a lot of stress. It is only the help of family that has gotten us to this point in the month financially and now, to be quite frank, i don’t know how we’re going to pay rent next week, let alone the bills. Which brings me to my other worry: i’m 5 days into being out of Wellbutrin XL and only have another 5 day’s supply of Lexapro. So not only do we have to figure out how to buy food, gas, pay the bills (they are all due near the first few days of the month) and our *GASP* $1,105 rent check, but somehow we have to scrounge up another $220 or so to pay for my medications.

i don’t know how we’re going to do it.

To be clear, i know that i’m depressed right now. i’m fighting on a slippery slope. i’m depressed because i’m so sick of living paycheck to paycheck, of having to stretch every penny as far as it can go. i’m depressed because i have no income security and i’m sick of waiting the tables of people who treat me like a servant and third-class citizen. i’m depressed because the apartment is a disaster and my husband, while ever-loving, has never specialized in “neat and tidy”. i’m depressed because i’m in withdrawal from one anti-depressant and praying to GOD in Heaven that i will not be without them both. i’m depressed because i’m bored and scared and worried.

Yet i can do nothing to change any of this right now. Instead of worrying, i try to channel it and pray. i need His Providence shower upon me, upon us, so that we may stay afloat one more day, one more week, one more month…

The only hope that shines like the full moon through my darkness begins with Justin’s graduation next month. After 6 years, he will have completed his bachelor’s degree and will be progressing to a full-time position in his field of choice which will permit me to go back to school full-time in the fall. My hope is to complete my transfer needs in two years and then head to Brown University… my Providence in Rhode Island (remember how that became a fiasco?). All of this is better, so much better, than what i’m facing. Financial stability, medication stability, a chance to shine as an academic again.

i know that sometimes you can only cling to your hope to survive. Sometimes it truly is all you have. While i’m not foolish enough to think my life is currently so desperate as that, i am sure that “dire straights” is not much of an exaggeration. In response, i pray and i hope and i keep thinking about the wonderful day in which i will be out of California; free from serving, working on my degree, learning new things and meeting all kinds of new people.

Hope, sweet hope. May it last me long enough to get through this trial though it hasn’t through so many others.

For the past few weeks i have eyed many of my favorite blogs (see the Blogroll for my favorites) and yet have been able to write little. Medications do that to you.

i hate to harp on the subject, but psychotropic drugs are powerful and effect everything one does, *especially* while in the midst of changing them. And, it turns out, not all medications are made the same.

Back in February, my doctor did not have any more Wellbutrin XL samples to give me, so he wrote a prescription and I went down to my local Costco pharmacy to fill it (they have the best prices). The kind people at the pharmacy are familiar with me, so they naturally gave me the generic Budeprion XL which rings in at about $114 for a 30-day supply versus the name brand’s price of $148. i happily took my discounted drugs and practically skipped home with delight of saving thirty bucks.

In the beginning of March, i noticed something was different. Uncomfortable, even. i was slightly depressed. Nothing drastic, but on the 0 to 10 i use (0 = suicidal attempting, please kill me depression; 5 = stable; 10 = hallucinating, delusions of inane grandeur mania) i was hovering between a 3 and 4. Just low enough to notice and have little energy or motivation. The house quickly went to crap with unfinished projects scattered on the floor and dishes piling up.

Being the fanatic researcher i am, i quickly turned to my trusty friends on the web to help me decipher the funkiness i was experiencing. Soon, i learned that in the experience of my other spazzoid friends, that 300 mg Budeprion XL is more likely equal to 200 mg of Wellbutrin XL. Problem being my prescription is 300 mg of Wellbutrin and i was given 300 mg of Budeprion.

Ohhhhhhhhh.

Last Thursday after a breakthrough episode of depression and rising inexplicable anxiety, the hubby and i buckled down and headed back to the pharmacy, this time asking for the refill to be of Wellbutrin.

Only 5 days later and i’m already feeling immensely better. Nearing stable even.

It’s with that sigh of relief that i return back to my little blog. Hello again, everybody!